And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
