Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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