Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
