my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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