It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
there was a trapeze. enough said
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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