fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
