Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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