I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
