I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I supernannyed him into submission
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
