she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
time to smoke my breakfast
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
