he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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