YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize