you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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