He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
