you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
