Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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