**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize