What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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