No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
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