i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
