I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
