Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
