im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Randomize
