Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
