I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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