matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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