i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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