There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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