it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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