that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
