I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
