DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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