the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
