did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He has the fingertips of a God
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
