i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
