Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
