You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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