I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Randomize
