if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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