she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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