i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Randomize
