Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You need Xanax blowdarts
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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