god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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