Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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