If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
