Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
