I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
