??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
