1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
