Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
