look no pants
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
